what happened to my life????? i feel like crying.

when is it my turn to have a baby :(

im feeling super lonely lately and i feel like the only solution is a baby.

BUT i swear im not going to try to get pregnant i just wish that i was actually in a good position to actually go through with it. if i owned a house, or even was renting a good sized apartment IN WELLS i would totally talk to josh about it. now i kinda realize that i may only be feeling this way because brittany just gave birth to the MOST ADORABLE baby ever and my niece is going to be born by c-section on monday, but i still have this HUGE URGE to get pregnant.

i havent even said any of this to josh. i know that now isnt the time anyway, but its seriously on my mind like all the time. and i do realize that i am ONLY 20, i just wish i could push fast forword :]

i think what im gonna do for now is just enjoy being young and then as soon as i get my feet on the ground (financially) THEN i will actually start thinking about pursuing this. its still hard though. i just have to stay positive and enjoy my time with OTHER PEOPLE'S babies :] im serisouly SO excited to be an aunt! please keep jen (phil's girlfriend)and malerie (my future niece) in your prayers.

So I finally hung out with Phil and Jen today after we had her baby shower. It was nice to hang out with my mom and them, Ive discovered that Jen is a super cool chick and that i shouldn't be so judgmental. Not that i thought she wasn't cool, I was just kinda intimidated by her. They recently moved into a new apartment in Saco, and its really really cozy- it reminds me of my great grandmothers house haha but its really nice inside. I'm glad that they're doing so well, I CANNOT WAIT to be an aunt- I'm so psyched! It's weird cuz just lately I've been kinda thinking about wanting a baby.. but i just have to be patient and i can spend all the time with OTHER PEOPLE'S babies, so that's how i plan to get my "baby fix" haha. Truth is i really do think about having a baby all the time, but the thought immediately following is that more than anything i would like to raise my child in a HOME. not in an apartment. it may sound stupid to some people but its strangely important to me. So as long as my nuva ring doesn't let me down, I should be fine until I ( i guess i me "we") have decided that its the right time. But honestly, it's hard to not be jealous of someone who always has people fawning over them and they're just so happy to be pregnant- it's just such an exciting thing. But in my heart i know that that's not what its all about. And i keep in mind that my time will come- and ill be proud of the patience i have shown.

I just drank half a bottle of wine. And although that may not sound like alot to many of you, its quite a bit to me haha. So i havent drank in a few months, and i havent written in here for a while either. so i figured now would be a good time to spill my guts out. i had two crzy dreams last night. well actually one was last night and one was this morning.. both about josh being an ass hole and me breaking up with him. the truth is i have been getting a little irritated with him lately. mostly about stupid shit like the dishes though, and i mean i still love him and i dont think i would be abble to even find anyone who loved me as much as he does. He doesnt MEAN to be an ass, he just kind of naturally is. but the thing that bothers me is, is that i never thought he was an ass until like this year, so since it kinda correlated with me quitting taking antidepressants it makes me think that maybe IM the ass. i dont know i have such a bad view of myself i can never know what anyone thinks of me, i cant compare myself to other people because i know that what i think of myself is much worse than what other people actually think of me. i hope im making sense. i guess the point im trying to make is- i hope people dont think im a bitch because im trying to be (if they even think im a bitch) because im definately not trying to be.. im just dumb..... anywho for the past month ive been thinking that im pregant. im too scared to even buy a pregency test tho because of what it might tell me.... so i just kinda pretend that i dont think im pregnant. its not workin out too well... pretty much every night before i fall asleep i tell myself that i need to buy a test- but then the next day i cant bring myself to. im not sure if i really think i am or if its just in my head. i do have mild cramps like all the time. but i still have my period. i havent messed up my birth control so i should be okay right? god i hope so. i dont know what i'd do. im not ready for a baby in any way shape or form. but josh has already told me he is totally against abortion and that he would never give his kid up for adoption. i have a lot to think about... thanks for listening to my drunk blubbering! thank god for spell check!

"Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing is gonna be alright" :) Bob Marley

im in love with bob marley. and otis redding. i could blast otis redding all day every day. he owns my heart. haha but anyway. ITS BEEN A MONTH WITHOUT CIGARETTES!!!! im proud of myself. its not even really that hard for me- the hard part was to actually WANT to quit. once i decided i didnt want to smoke i wouldnt allow myself to. im determined to not let myself down FOR ONCE. and its actually working :D josh even quit too, but he's having a much harder time with it than me. yesterday he was freakin out like the whole day cuz he wanted one so bad and i think it made him even madder that im not having such a hard time. im not sure if that sentance made sense... mm.. dont care. im workin at the seagull right now. its going pretty well, it took me a little while to fully warm up to everyone. one thing that i had forgotten about the working in the hotel industry- im good at it. i actually care about people and i go to greater lengths to help them than most people would, and people genuinely appreciate that. it definately makes the day go by faster when your proud of yourself for doing a good job. god i sound like an ass.

i havent posted for a while. i figured it was time. things havent been so good lately. i feel like im holding back tears all day. literally all day. i dont have anyone to talk to. people who i thought were my friends dont want anything to do with me. josh just pisses me off. im not even working im pretty much just sulking all day everyday. watching tv and envying the people who actually have lives. i finished reading the twilight series so im kinda upset that its over. not to mention that im attempting to quit smoking right now and it is not helping my situation one bit. i need help. i dont know what to do. not a clue. i dont understand how to be happy. ugh im so upset right now. so melodramatic. i fucking hate myself.

my life is boring these days. im pretty sure ive already gained like 10 pounds since becoming unemployed. i pretty much just eat all day. cant stop it. im applying today to the nautical mile in wells for the front desk position. i wouldnt mind working in a hotel at all. it can be kinda boring but i think ill get over it. and im sure ill be making more than 7 fucking 75. but still, i dont have any idea whats going on with my last job "the freaky bean" since my boss said he was going to open a "new" company aka the freaky bean but under a different name. i dont actually know if he's going to go through with it but he said he would call everyone... if he does end up calling me i will definately go back. i serisouly LOVE being a barista. its so fun! and i seriously make the best lattes out of anyone. i can even make a heart on top. i know a few other people i worked with are still planning on working for this "new" company so hopefully it happens soon! i need money! hopefully my unemployment check comes soon! GAH!! WHYY MEE?!?!

on another note. i overheard josh talking to his mom yesterday on the phone and i could totally tell what his mom was asking him. cuz he was in the middle of talking about me and saying how lucky he is then he paused.. "well i've thought about it" obviously talking about marriage. YOUVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT? while we've been together for what seems like ages... everyone else is getting married like the day after they meet. and i guess our country is seeing its biggest baby boom EVER! but yeah so hopefully SOMEDAY josh will get a clue. haha. we were talking about buying my grandmothers old farmhouse. i would LOOOOOVE to live there. i have so many memories there and its such a pretty house and it has a big barn for horses or whatnot. ahh i can picture it now....... me sipping lemonade in my rocking chair on the porch watching the kids play with our dogs and hearing the horses naying in the field and the chickens making whatever noise they make...... :D im pretty sure im going to end up owning like hundreds of dogs. well maybe not hundreds..

things are pretty shitty now. the stupid Freaky Bean is bankrupt and theyre closing for a while. so im again...... jobless. SWEET! dont get me wrong i love working there and right now im thinking im going to continue working there im just so overwhelmed.
i dont know if i should try to find a new job and if so where. i dont know if i should just stick it out and stay with a sketchy company.
i dont know if i should use this time off to apply to schools. i still dont even really know what i want to do or where i would want to go. and then throw in that i have to talk to josh about all this- i mean he did just get a job, he cant just quit to come with me to go to school. its alot for me to think about.
I have however done something good with day, i made a resume! theyre hiring a teller at hannaford brothers credit union at the corporate offices in scarborough which is where my mom works! that might be a cool job.. HEALTH INSURANCE is what i need. if i get health insurance i can start volenteering at the animal shelter! that would make me happy.

my cat wont leave me alone. im pretty sure that he actually thinks im his mom. hes cute tho so i guess ill let it slide haha. but anywayssss i just got back from my PAP SMEAR! FUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!! but atleast i have some good news to share... i am NOT pregnant. even though its nearly impossible for me to be pregnant i always think that i could be and it scares me. i also know now that i do not have breast cancer- another thing that i always worry about. i dont know yet if i have cancer or anything... im crossing my fingers! i got some info and tips on how to quit smoking........ even though i hate to think about it i know that i really do need to quit unless i want to be some nasty wrinkly smelly woman some day. i dont want to be that woman. and yeah im ready for spring.