what happened to my life????? i feel like crying.

when is it my turn to have a baby :(

im feeling super lonely lately and i feel like the only solution is a baby.

BUT i swear im not going to try to get pregnant i just wish that i was actually in a good position to actually go through with it. if i owned a house, or even was renting a good sized apartment IN WELLS i would totally talk to josh about it. now i kinda realize that i may only be feeling this way because brittany just gave birth to the MOST ADORABLE baby ever and my niece is going to be born by c-section on monday, but i still have this HUGE URGE to get pregnant.

i havent even said any of this to josh. i know that now isnt the time anyway, but its seriously on my mind like all the time. and i do realize that i am ONLY 20, i just wish i could push fast forword :]

i think what im gonna do for now is just enjoy being young and then as soon as i get my feet on the ground (financially) THEN i will actually start thinking about pursuing this. its still hard though. i just have to stay positive and enjoy my time with OTHER PEOPLE'S babies :] im serisouly SO excited to be an aunt! please keep jen (phil's girlfriend)and malerie (my future niece) in your prayers.

So I finally hung out with Phil and Jen today after we had her baby shower. It was nice to hang out with my mom and them, Ive discovered that Jen is a super cool chick and that i shouldn't be so judgmental. Not that i thought she wasn't cool, I was just kinda intimidated by her. They recently moved into a new apartment in Saco, and its really really cozy- it reminds me of my great grandmothers house haha but its really nice inside. I'm glad that they're doing so well, I CANNOT WAIT to be an aunt- I'm so psyched! It's weird cuz just lately I've been kinda thinking about wanting a baby.. but i just have to be patient and i can spend all the time with OTHER PEOPLE'S babies, so that's how i plan to get my "baby fix" haha. Truth is i really do think about having a baby all the time, but the thought immediately following is that more than anything i would like to raise my child in a HOME. not in an apartment. it may sound stupid to some people but its strangely important to me. So as long as my nuva ring doesn't let me down, I should be fine until I ( i guess i me "we") have decided that its the right time. But honestly, it's hard to not be jealous of someone who always has people fawning over them and they're just so happy to be pregnant- it's just such an exciting thing. But in my heart i know that that's not what its all about. And i keep in mind that my time will come- and ill be proud of the patience i have shown.

I just drank half a bottle of wine. And although that may not sound like alot to many of you, its quite a bit to me haha. So i havent drank in a few months, and i havent written in here for a while either. so i figured now would be a good time to spill my guts out. i had two crzy dreams last night. well actually one was last night and one was this morning.. both about josh being an ass hole and me breaking up with him. the truth is i have been getting a little irritated with him lately. mostly about stupid shit like the dishes though, and i mean i still love him and i dont think i would be abble to even find anyone who loved me as much as he does. He doesnt MEAN to be an ass, he just kind of naturally is. but the thing that bothers me is, is that i never thought he was an ass until like this year, so since it kinda correlated with me quitting taking antidepressants it makes me think that maybe IM the ass. i dont know i have such a bad view of myself i can never know what anyone thinks of me, i cant compare myself to other people because i know that what i think of myself is much worse than what other people actually think of me. i hope im making sense. i guess the point im trying to make is- i hope people dont think im a bitch because im trying to be (if they even think im a bitch) because im definately not trying to be.. im just dumb..... anywho for the past month ive been thinking that im pregant. im too scared to even buy a pregency test tho because of what it might tell me.... so i just kinda pretend that i dont think im pregnant. its not workin out too well... pretty much every night before i fall asleep i tell myself that i need to buy a test- but then the next day i cant bring myself to. im not sure if i really think i am or if its just in my head. i do have mild cramps like all the time. but i still have my period. i havent messed up my birth control so i should be okay right? god i hope so. i dont know what i'd do. im not ready for a baby in any way shape or form. but josh has already told me he is totally against abortion and that he would never give his kid up for adoption. i have a lot to think about... thanks for listening to my drunk blubbering! thank god for spell check!

"Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing is gonna be alright" :) Bob Marley

im in love with bob marley. and otis redding. i could blast otis redding all day every day. he owns my heart. haha but anyway. ITS BEEN A MONTH WITHOUT CIGARETTES!!!! im proud of myself. its not even really that hard for me- the hard part was to actually WANT to quit. once i decided i didnt want to smoke i wouldnt allow myself to. im determined to not let myself down FOR ONCE. and its actually working :D josh even quit too, but he's having a much harder time with it than me. yesterday he was freakin out like the whole day cuz he wanted one so bad and i think it made him even madder that im not having such a hard time. im not sure if that sentance made sense... mm.. dont care. im workin at the seagull right now. its going pretty well, it took me a little while to fully warm up to everyone. one thing that i had forgotten about the working in the hotel industry- im good at it. i actually care about people and i go to greater lengths to help them than most people would, and people genuinely appreciate that. it definately makes the day go by faster when your proud of yourself for doing a good job. god i sound like an ass.

i havent posted for a while. i figured it was time. things havent been so good lately. i feel like im holding back tears all day. literally all day. i dont have anyone to talk to. people who i thought were my friends dont want anything to do with me. josh just pisses me off. im not even working im pretty much just sulking all day everyday. watching tv and envying the people who actually have lives. i finished reading the twilight series so im kinda upset that its over. not to mention that im attempting to quit smoking right now and it is not helping my situation one bit. i need help. i dont know what to do. not a clue. i dont understand how to be happy. ugh im so upset right now. so melodramatic. i fucking hate myself.

my life is boring these days. im pretty sure ive already gained like 10 pounds since becoming unemployed. i pretty much just eat all day. cant stop it. im applying today to the nautical mile in wells for the front desk position. i wouldnt mind working in a hotel at all. it can be kinda boring but i think ill get over it. and im sure ill be making more than 7 fucking 75. but still, i dont have any idea whats going on with my last job "the freaky bean" since my boss said he was going to open a "new" company aka the freaky bean but under a different name. i dont actually know if he's going to go through with it but he said he would call everyone... if he does end up calling me i will definately go back. i serisouly LOVE being a barista. its so fun! and i seriously make the best lattes out of anyone. i can even make a heart on top. i know a few other people i worked with are still planning on working for this "new" company so hopefully it happens soon! i need money! hopefully my unemployment check comes soon! GAH!! WHYY MEE?!?!

on another note. i overheard josh talking to his mom yesterday on the phone and i could totally tell what his mom was asking him. cuz he was in the middle of talking about me and saying how lucky he is then he paused.. "well i've thought about it" obviously talking about marriage. YOUVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT? while we've been together for what seems like ages... everyone else is getting married like the day after they meet. and i guess our country is seeing its biggest baby boom EVER! but yeah so hopefully SOMEDAY josh will get a clue. haha. we were talking about buying my grandmothers old farmhouse. i would LOOOOOVE to live there. i have so many memories there and its such a pretty house and it has a big barn for horses or whatnot. ahh i can picture it now....... me sipping lemonade in my rocking chair on the porch watching the kids play with our dogs and hearing the horses naying in the field and the chickens making whatever noise they make...... :D im pretty sure im going to end up owning like hundreds of dogs. well maybe not hundreds..

things are pretty shitty now. the stupid Freaky Bean is bankrupt and theyre closing for a while. so im again...... jobless. SWEET! dont get me wrong i love working there and right now im thinking im going to continue working there im just so overwhelmed.
i dont know if i should try to find a new job and if so where. i dont know if i should just stick it out and stay with a sketchy company.
i dont know if i should use this time off to apply to schools. i still dont even really know what i want to do or where i would want to go. and then throw in that i have to talk to josh about all this- i mean he did just get a job, he cant just quit to come with me to go to school. its alot for me to think about.
I have however done something good with day, i made a resume! theyre hiring a teller at hannaford brothers credit union at the corporate offices in scarborough which is where my mom works! that might be a cool job.. HEALTH INSURANCE is what i need. if i get health insurance i can start volenteering at the animal shelter! that would make me happy.

my cat wont leave me alone. im pretty sure that he actually thinks im his mom. hes cute tho so i guess ill let it slide haha. but anywayssss i just got back from my PAP SMEAR! FUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!! but atleast i have some good news to share... i am NOT pregnant. even though its nearly impossible for me to be pregnant i always think that i could be and it scares me. i also know now that i do not have breast cancer- another thing that i always worry about. i dont know yet if i have cancer or anything... im crossing my fingers! i got some info and tips on how to quit smoking........ even though i hate to think about it i know that i really do need to quit unless i want to be some nasty wrinkly smelly woman some day. i dont want to be that woman. and yeah im ready for spring.

well i have another long day ahead of me. for some reason im not even tired this morning, and that was usually be a good thing but i dont really have anything to do this morning. im going to try to do the laundry but i dont have any effing money! i was supposed to get paid yesterday but i ended up leaving before the checks got there and of course josh always forgets to go to the bank so he didnt have any cash and the friggin bank isnt open yet so i cant take out any money! ugh! i have managed to find 6 dollars in quarters so far but hopefully i can find atleast 3 more dollars worth in my car hahaha i should be able to. so ridiculous. i suppose i could do the dishes or clean or something for the time being. oh so much fun! i dont enjoy boring mornings...

i had an eventful day today. i had to work the opening shift so it was nice to feel like i had the whole day ahead of me when i got out of work. but i found out a couple days ago that they were closing the maine roasters coffee store by cabelas and we were all pretty shocked today when we heard that they were closing the freaky bean in westbrook also. so im honestly worried if im going to be given enough hours since now we have like 8 employees who dont have a friggin cafe to work in now so theyre coming in and taken all of our hours! ugh! i hate stress and let me tell you no one was in a good mood today at work. not fun.
OH and i need to vent about something. WHY THE HELL DOES EVERY GIRL MY AGE FEEL THE NEED TO HAVE A BABY. i feel like almost every other day i find that yet another girl i went to school with is expecting!!! and you know that they cant really afford to support a child. it bothers me. it shouldnt bother me as much as it does.
but anywho i have eaten almost an entire thing of ben & jerrys ice cream so i should probably get off my butt and stop eating.

Ashley

well i had a wonderful birthday and party. i got trashed and i got like 5 bottles of tequila as presents haha so needless to say i have alot left over. my brother wasnt very happy to see that kaity was there tho which i can totally understand but still i want everyone to know that i am a totally different person now and what happened before will never happen again. Plus shes like the most hilarious person ever. my parents just gave me money as presents and josh's mom and step dad even visited and gave me money for tanning or to get my hair done and took us out to lunch. i dont think ive ever felt so loved :D everything is going really well for me n josh right now and i love it

well i havent written in here in ages, mostly because i didnt have the internet. today is my day off from work- i work at the Freaky Bean coffee company. its a pretty sweet job but being there 6 days a week gets old. plus the fact that im getting paid 7.75!!!!! oh yeah great i can totally live on that! NOT! but whatever im planning on asking for a raise pronto.
i started taking my antidepressants and visiting my therapist again about a month ago. i felt like i was totally not myself i was always in a horrible mood and snapping at everyone. im not totally sure if its started working yet but i definately do feel better these days.
Josh and i are finaly getting a handle on all the bills. After he was out of work for almost 6 months and i was out of work for like 2 weeks we were not in a good place financially. we're working on it though.
my birthday is in 3 days! wooo!! i will no longer be consdered a "teenager" and next year i can go out! schweet! im planning a little party even though i dont really have any friends to come. Kaity might come, brittany and chris might come, a couple a joshs friends, and my brother said he would come. i would like for vanessa to come too but she always blows me off so i dontknow. i just ate like a whole box of cashews and im not feeling so well now..
later,
Ashley

well even though i havent written in here for a few months. and im sure no one in here really cares, im going to let you all into whats going on in my life these days. Josh is in the union. right now he's working in bath so he has a hour of driving every morning, he'll probably get a new job anyways soon. Me, well im still workin at the bakery and yes i still like it there. i LOVE the people LOVE the food not to mention that these days its pretty slow so its easy too! I do have one friend now that i work with and i love her. so its nice to have someone to talk to. i wouldnt say that my living situation is perfect, but i am happy and thats all that matters. I dont have money ot buy ayone christmas presents, but they understand. yeah yeah yeah.

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